Today was just one of those days. It started off fine, and then with the knowledge of one tiny bit of information, it changed - and as a result, my attitude suffered. It doesn't help, either, that I am a person whose face clearly shows true emotion, thus people who really know me knew something was bothering me.
Truthfully, the information that I learned today which flipped the switch wasn't really a big deal in and of itself. It simply put everything that had been culminating into perspective, and I became upset with myself. Without going too far into detail, I know what I want and know the woman that I aspire to be - and thus I have known what I've needed to change, get rid off, and pursue. Yet I haven't let go of all of the things God has so clearly pushed me to give over to Him. He had given me the tools, the resources, the support and the strength to... but I - regretfully - never showed up. I didn't fully rely on Him to get me through it, to satisfy my needs. And I suffered as a result. Essentially, I have been hurting myself because I just couldn't give up my need to control this particular situation.
Later in the day, after having coffee with a dear friend and talking things over with my lovely roommate, I began to feel better. I was encouraged and given advice, and know now what needs to be done. On top of that, tonight I went to a friend's house where for the past few weeks a group of about 10+ students from my school have been meeting, just being in community with one another. It was exactly what I needed to refigure and refocus my heart and mind on my God. He showed up in both small and mighty ways, and convicted me in my inability to let myself be satisfied in Him alone lately. I am learning what it means to be a daughter of the King, confident of the truth that I am fully loved by Him. It's a process, but I know I am moving forward.
And my prayer tonight is this:
"Lord, give me an unsettled heart! Make me restless - You don't expect for me to be great, You just want for me to show up. May I show up, God. You are my Refuge, my Father, my Lord. Use this life that You have entrusted to me to do Your will and bring You glory. May I reflect Jesus here and now, and may Your name be praised. Continue to stir in my heart, challenging me to be wholly satisfied in You."