Being Broken.

I hate being broken.  Yet sometimes heartbreak is exactly what we need.

The last time I was broken, I found myself upset, facing all kinds of insecurities, with buttons of weakness being pressed from every side, and soon I became angry.  Angry with my circumstances, angry with my life, and angry with God.  So I got into my car and drove, tears streaming down my face, and I pleaded with Him.  Questions of "why" surfaced, questions like:
Why are my parents so difficult?  Why do I feel responsible for them?  Why can't I have a real home?  Why must I feel so deeply?  Why do I feel insecure in my closest relationships?*  Why am I alone in all of this (this one is silly for I am not nor have I ever been truly alone; He has been with me since the beginning!)?
And then I realized that every question revolved solely around me; I was being quite self-centered.  As I wallowed in this state of spiritual and emotional weakness, the enemy was able to take advantage of my brokenness.  It wasn't until I realized that I needed to turn my sights back on the Lord and His will for my life that I began to see the pieces of my broken heart come back together.  It wasn't quick nor was it easy, but it was a process that I know that I needed to go through - just me and God, working together to repair what was broken.

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And sometimes it is God Himself who breaks us - not to hurt us, but to grow us in ways that only He can.  He closes doors we think are the ones we were supposed to go through.  He removes people and things from our lives that mean a lot to us.  He puts us in places where we're uncomfortable and maybe even scared.  But He does these things for a reason.  So why does he break our hearts?

1. Because our hearts lead us astray (Jeremiah 17:9)
    - We are goal-oriented, and our goals can become our "gods"

2. Because God is a jealous God (Exodus 20:3-5)
    - He needs to be number one in our hearts and lives

3. Because God loves us (Proverbs 16:9)
    - In breaking our hearts, He is rescuing us from ourselves to bring our focus back to Him

4. Because God seeks a relationship
    - We should be actively seeking closer intimacy in our relationship with Him

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So, then, regardless of how it happens, what should be do when we find ourselves broken?  Hand Him the pieces, and rely fully on Him to be God in our lives and to do what He has promised to do: to satisfy our hearts and make us whole.

Take heart, and remember that there is always a purpose to being broken.  We are broken so that we must learn to turn to the only thing that can heal us: the love of Jesus Christ.  We are broken so that our lives and stories can be used as a testament to God's power and love.  We are broken because we must constantly realize that we cannot do this with God.  Being broken is not always a bad thing.  After all, it is when we are broken that God is able transform and repair our hearts in the mightiest of ways.

* The answer to this question is pretty simple: because I'm most vulnerable in these relationships.  These people know everything there is to know about me - and that's scary!  I shouldn't be surprised, then, that these are the first relationships that the enemy tries to tamper with when I am feeling spiritually weak (and neither should you)!